photo: courtesy of Crunch
Once a year, it's impossible to be single. Restaurants become inundated with inflated prices, stuffy seven-course menus and couples-only seating arrangements. Bars load up on cheesy cocktail specials, awkward pick-up attempts and single people harping about the woes of solitude. Drugstores drip with high-sheen cardboard hearts, mediocre candy samplers and mass-produced stuffed lobsters ironically piping out the chorus of "Hot Hot Hot." The epidemic has even spread to bowling alleys. Enough already! Why should a greeting card holiday get to make the rules? These suggestions will help romantic dissidents take back the 14th of February.
Float like a butterfly at Crunch (North and Sheffield)
Some say revenge is best served cold. Crunch Fitness thinks it's best served hot, sweaty and with one hell of a right hook. The gym is opening its doors to scorned lovers, regardless of membership status, for an intensive, free boxing class. Just bring in a photo of your ex: No joke, the whole shebang has earned the name "Ex-Factor." Pair up with another discarded lover and rip that pic to shreds with every punch. Trainers are on hand to guide your moves, making sure that all this angst burns some calories. After the class, participants can mingle over cocktails and hors d'oeuvres. Those who still haven't given up on love can enter to win a "date" with a Crunch trainer.
Have a fling with the silver screen at Portage Theater
This year, the dreaded day of giddy affections didn't even have the decency to fall on a weekend, which means that couples will be out en masse over the entire week. While it's tempting to scorn Valentine's Day by curling up at home with a pint of Americone and an eight-hour block of John Hughes, it's hard to rationalize such slovenly behavior for more than one evening. To quell the guilt, get ye to the Northwest Side's historic Portage Theater. Start with a sappy matinee of "Casablanca" on February 13, and come back for Friday's slasher-movie double feature; "Happy Birthday to Me" is the harrowing chronicle of a school girl's proximity to bizarre murders, but "My Bloody Valentine" is the icing on the cake. The B-grade flick kills off anyone who celebrates Valentine's Day. Pass the popcorn.
Eat it up at Alliance Francaise de Chicago
Many Chicago cooking schools are offering classes designed for couples; infiltrating them with a bottle of wine and a good buddy is a snap. Those looking to hook up without the aid (and whiff of desperation) of a singles night can sharpen their social graces—along with their knife skills at Alliance Francaise. The French institution has a certain je ne sais quoi that's ideal for a flirty evening among strangers. Chef Stephane Postoyan will demonstrate how to whip up some fancy hors d'oeuvres, and students will be able to nibble on tuna rillette and black olive tapenade between sips of French Wine. AF members receive a discount, but the class is open to the public for only $45.
Raise the dead with Chicago Hauntings
Maybe those suckers over in Milwaukee have an excuse to moan about how cheesy Valentine's Day is, but Chicagoans have something decidedly more gruesome to celebrate. Any whiff of romance on February 14, 1929 was eclipsed by the most infamous gangland massacre of all time. True cynics of all this love stuff will get a kick out of strolling down memory lane with Chicago's leading ghost authorities, Ursula Bielski and David Cowan. Celebrating the 79th anniversary of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, this tour is an annual affair for Chicago Hauntings. While the tour is built around the notorious murders, it also surveys other haunted Prohibition-Era sites and even traverses some love affairs—gone horribly wrong. This macabre evening always sells out, so be sure to book your tickets early.
Paint the town
Watching canoodling crowds happily taking PDAs to the next level gets old for even the voyeuristic among us. The unattached wander around, trying to suppress the urge to hurl, but seem to have forgotten one crucial thing about this whole love thing: Regardless of gender, sexuality or general state of apathy, we've all been mistreating our best girl. She has hot flashes in the summer, infuriates us in the winter and doesn't mind when we let strangers pay to crawl all over her goodies. Why not take this special day to remind Chicago that she's still the one? Go to Shedd Aquarium to make kissy faces at the penguins; stop by the Field Museum of Natural History (free all month) to let Sue know that she's looking good; ponder the furthest reaches of the universe at the Adler Planetarium; have a hot dog, for goodness sake. Chicago's the one suitor that will never leave you alone on Valentine's Day.
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