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Blog Blocking and Keeping a Straight Orgasm Face
Monday Mar 31, 2008.
By Anna Pulley
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Dear Maven,
I'm casually dating a guy who blogs a lot about his life, including about people he dates. He uses code names but it's pretty obvious he's writing about me. I don't like that our private life is made so public, even if only a small amount of people are reading his blog. How should I confront him?
Sincerely,
Dear Blogorreah,
These days, it seems you can't throw an accordion off a balcony without it landing on a blogger. They're everywhere, even in your creepy uncle's basement, next to the 1970s collection of Sears catalogs. You don't say specifically what he's writing, though I'm going to assume it's either about vajayjays or Barack Obama, since those are the two most blogged-about topics nationally. We expect the intimate details that we share with people we date to remain private, so it can feel like an invasion when suddenly those details are made public, even if it's only to four people. You have every right to feel miffed, betrayed and maybe even a little congested by your beau's insensitivity. The straightforward approach, aka "duh," would be to ask him to stop writing about you. If he's even a moderately decent human being, he'll respect your request. If he mentions censorship or First Amendment laws, tell him that in Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation, then look at him wistfully and walk away.
But let me ask you this: Is he writing nice things about you? Like, "Wow, Prudence is the best lay this side of Galena! I've never been able to do the reverse wheelbarrow with anyone before!" That would make a difference to me, though I also tend to base my self-worth on Facebook comments, so perhaps you have a healthier approach to life. In which case, whoop-di-do. We're all really happy for you. Maybe you should start a blog about that.
Maven,
I made the mistake of laughing at the way my boyfriend's face looked when he orgasmed. It wasn't a pointing, mean kind of laugh but a you're-so-cute kind of laugh. He didn't seem too hurt by it at the time, but we haven't had sex in two weeks now, and I think that's the reason why. What's going on and how can I make it better?
~The Last Laugh
Dear Last Laugh,
How strange! I starred in an off-off Broadway musical called "Avenue O" that addressed a similar conundrum, only it took place in the year 2069 and involved more space monkeys than your problem does. Here's the deal: You bruised your man's ego and no amount of space monkeys can make it better. You have to. Remember that sex is a performance—from that first come hither glance to the last tears shed quietly in the bathroom—and if you criticize the actors too harshly, the next thing you know, they'll be starring in a Will Ferrell movie. And nobody wants that—least of all me, who would rather smother myself to death with a book of shag carpet samples than see another Will Ferrell movie.
People are remarkably sensitive when it comes to carnal matters. Perhaps this has to do with the fact that we are constantly inundated with information about our sexual inadequacy, proven by these delightfully thought-provoking headlines from Cosmo magazine: "Am I normal, sexually?", "Crack his carnal code!" and "Does he love me, or is it gonorrhea?" Wait, that last one is actually the name of my childhood memoir (copyright Maven 2008). Anyhoo—let your bf know that you didn't mean to hurt him with your callous laughter, and that you were merely observing an adorable feature of his bootyliciousness. We all look somewhat ridiculous in sexual situations (yes, even you, Cybill Shepherd!) but nobody likes to be reminded of this. I once dated a dude whose sex noises sounded like the slow torture of farm animals, but did I tell him? No. I waited till we broke up then wrote a blog about it.
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